♪ WE NEVER THOUGHT OF FINDING ♪
♪ THE PLACE WHERE WE BELONG ♪
♪ DON'T HAVE TO STAND ALONE ♪
♪ WE'LL NEVER LET YOU FALL ♪
♪ DON'T NEED PERMISSION ♪
♪ TO DECIDE WHAT YOU BELIEVE ♪
♪ YOU'RE GONNA LEARN SOMETHING ♪
♪ WHEN WE MEET YOU AFTER SCHOOL ♪
♪ I SAID JUMP! ♪
♪ DOWN ON JUMP STREET ♪
♪ I SAID JUMP! ♪
♪ DOWN ON JUMP STREET ♪
♪ YOUR FRIENDS WILL BE THERE ♪
♪ WHEN YOUR BACK IS TO THE WALL ♪
♪ YOU'LL FIND YOU NEED US ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THERE'S NO ONE ELSE TO CALL ♪
♪ WHEN IT LOOKS HOPELESS ♪
♪ A DECISION'S WHAT YOU NEED ♪
♪ YOU BETTER BE READY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME ♪
♪ I SAID JUMP! ♪
♪ 21 JUMP STREET! ♪
( organ music )
COME ON!
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD DO THIS, JANE, I DON'T,
OF COURSE WE SHOULDN'T, THAT'S WHY WE'RE DOING IT,
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT OTHER STUFF, EITHER,
AND GIVE UP A CHANCE TO SEE,,,?
JANE, HE WAS SAYING MASS,
GOD WILL FORGIVE US,
HE'S GOT A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR,
TELL THAT TO JOB,
YOU GOT IT?
LET'S NOT DO IT,
WE GOT TO, COME ON,
MARGIE, YOU'RE GONNA END UP LIKE MISS MANNERS--
MARRIED TO A DUFUS,
AT THIS POINT I'D TAKE A DUFUS,
WHAT IF WE GET CAUGHT?
IF WE GET CAUGHT
THEY PROBABLY WON'T LET US GO TO THE PROM,
SO RELAX,
YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE,
THAT WAS NICE, THANKS,
COME ON,
Class: GOOD MORNING, MOTHER SALONUS,
Mother Salonus: LADIES,
NOW I KNOW THAT SOME OF YOU
MAY BE EMBARRASSED GIVEN THE TEXT OF THIS LECTURE
BUT AS THE SENIOR CLASS HERE AT THE SACRED HEART ACADEMY
I EXPECT TODAY'S PRESENTATION ON SEX EDUCATION
TO BE RECEIVED WITH MATURITY
AND PERHAPS EVEN A LITTLE BIT OF HEALTHY EXCITEMENT,
SOMEONE OPEN A WINDOW,
I'M GETTING EXCITED ALREADY,
AND AS THE MOTHER SUPERIOR
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO RELY ON MY EXPERIENCE IN THESE MATTERS
IF YOU HAVE ANY INDIVIDUAL QUESTIONS,
THE ARCHDIOCESE HAS MADE A VIDEO PRESENTATION AVAILABLE TO US
AND WE SHALL CONDUCT A DISCUSSION AFTERWARDS,
LADIES, THE MIRACLE OF MARRIAGE,
THAT'S NOT WHAT MY PARENTS CALL IT,
( catcalls )
( moaning )
( heavy breathing )
( alarm bell ringing )
ALL RIGHT, LADIES--
SINGLE FILE,
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT,
DON'T BE ALARMED,
DON'T PANIC,
SINGLE FILE, NO TALKING,
( screaming )
THERE'S A FIRE!
( shouting and screaming )
( sirens wailing )
( rock and roll )
OKAY, HANSON,
TONIGHT IS YOUR NIGHT,
IS THAT RIGHT?
TRUST ME ON THIS, REGGIE,
WE'RE TALKING MY TALK,
IDIOT-SPEAK?
HEY, COME ON, HARRY, TELL THE MAN,
I MADE THIS GUY A LEGEND,
HALF THE GIRLS IN TOWN NOW CALL HIM "GUNSLINGER,"
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
LOOK, I APPRECIATE THE OFFER AND EVERYTHING
BUT TONIGHT'S MY BOWLING NIGHT,
BOWLING?
DID HE SAY BOWLING?
YES, BOWLING,
I'M IN A LEAGUE,
A BOWLING LEAGUE?
YES!
HANSON, HANSON, HANSON,,,
I'M TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE HERE
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE ME A LITTLE HELP,
BOWLING?
I ONCE KNEW A KID WHOSE FATHER WAS A BOWLER,
HE RAN AWAY FROM HOME,
HE WAS THREE,
HIS MOTHER HELPED HIM,
LISTEN, PENHALL,,,
MAYBE THERE'S STILL TIME,
MAYBE THOMAS HERE ISN'T ANY GOOD,
WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY HANDICAP IS?
YEAH, BOWLING!
COME ON, HANSON I'M TALKING ABOUT A SKUNK HUNT HERE,
GIRLS!
YOU, ME-- OUT THERE IN THE TRENCHES,
SIGN UP FOR A TRANQUILIZER GUN
BECAUSE I'M VERY, VERY GOOD AT THIS,
REMEMBER, THEY CALL HIM THE GUNSLINGER,
SOME OTHER NIGHT,
TONIGHT IS MY BOWLING NIGHT,
HANSON, TONIGHT IS FRIDAY NIGHT,
AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO WASTE IT IN THE GUTTER,
BESIDES, TWO GUYS ALWAYS MAKE OUT BETTER THAN ONE,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OUT WITH THE GUNSLINGER?
NO WAY, OKAY?
THE LAST TIME I SHOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT,
AND I DID IT ON PURPOSE,
SHE WASN'T THAT UGLY,
DOUG, THE LADY HAD A WARNING FROM THE SURGEON GENERAL
TATTOOED ON HER CHEST, OKAY?
Hanson: HEY, SMOKEY, YOU OKAY?
MEDIUM WELL, THANK YOU,
WE HEARD,
YOU KNOW, GUYS, I THOUGHT CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS
WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD GIRLS, NOT ARSONISTS,
THAT WAS PRETTY SCARY,
YOU OKAY, HONEY?
YEAH, HOW ABOUT THE OTHER KIDS?
TWO OF 'EM HAD TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN MERCY HOSPITAL--
SMOKE INHALATION AND BRUISES,
THE REST SEEM TO BE OKAY,
LUCKY THE WHOLE BUILDING DIDN'T BURN,
LUCKY AGAIN,
YEAH, AND WE DON'T SEEM
TO KNOW ANY MORE THAN WE EVER DID, DO WE?
SORRY,
I KNOW, JENK,,,
BUT THESE ARE CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT,
THEIR IDEA OF A GOOD TIME IS BINGO,
THAT AND BOWLING,
Jenko: LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A FIREBUG ON OUR HANDS HERE, FOLKS,
LAST MONTH, THERE WAS A FIRE IN THE BOILER ROOM,
BEFORE THAT, IT'S A VESTIBULE,
THIS IS THE THIRD FIRE IN TWO WEEKS INSIDE THE SCHOOL,
JENK, WHAT IF WE RUN EVERY ONE OF THEM
THROUGH RECORDS AND I,D,?
CHECK FOR PRIORS?
SEE IF ANY OF THEM HAVE A RECORD?
HEY, YEAH, MAYBE LAST MARDI GRAS
ONE OF THEM GAVE UP CHOCOLATE FOR GOOD
AND THEN WENT PSYCHO ON A MARS BAR,
I ALREADY RAN THEM,
YOU GOT A SUSAN BURKE?
A DOROTHY PATTERSON?
AND ANOTHER GIRL NAMED PATTY BLATCHER?
YES,
YEAH, WELL, SUSAN BURKE HAS BEEN ARRESTED
EIGHT TIMES FOR SHOPLIFTING IN THE LAST 16 MONTHS,
THAT'S PROBABLY WHERE SHE GETS ALL THOSE SHARP CLOTHES,
GIRL'S GOT A HECK OF A WARDROBE,
OKAY, DOROTHY PATTERSON--
DRUNK DRIVING, UNAUTHORIZED USE OF A MOTOR VEHICLE
AND A MINOR MARIJUANA POSSESSION,
PARTY GIRL,
PATTY BLATCHER,,,
FORGET IT, HANSON,
PATTY BLATCHER IS THE CAPTAIN
OF THE PROM COMMITTEE, FOR CRIPES' SAKE--
A SNOB, MAYBE, HANSON, BUT NOT A PYRO,
YEAH?
WHEN SHE WAS 12 YEARS OLD
SHE LIT HER PARENTS' GARAGE ON FIRE,
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO JOIN THE PROM COMMITTEE, JUDE,
ANOTHER SLAMMERINO FOR THE KINGPINS! YEAH!
WAY TO GO!
SEE THAT? CONCENTRATION!
YOUR FRIEND?
YEAH, WELL,,, SORT OF, I GUESS,
HE'S VERY GOOD, ISN'T HE?
IF YOU LIKE GUYS WHO SAY SLAMMERINO, YEAH,
I DO,
ARE YOU A KINGPIN?
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING,
I'M HIS COACH,
YOU BOWL?
NOT ANYMORE,
GAVE IT UP,
WHY?
RACE-CAR DRIVING,
TOO BAD,
YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING MY BALL REDRILLED,
HEY, RACE-CAR DRIVERS,,, WIMPS!
I'M A BOWLER,
Beverly: ANOTHER BEER?
NO, THANKS, I'LL DRINK HIS,
JUST GOT A TURKEY,
A WHAT?
THREE STRIKES IN A ROW-- A TURKEY,
GREAT NAME FOR IT,
HANSON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE SOMEBODY SEES US,
YOU'RE NOT HAVING FUN?
FUN?
TRY IT, COME ON,
LOOK OUT, I'M COMING THROUGH,
ALL RIGHT!
( growling )
PENHALL, COME ON!
DOUG PENHALL,,,
REVOLUTIONIZING THE GAME!
( making crowd noises )
HEY!
YOU, OUT!
ME? ME?
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, I'M SORRY,
I WAS SITTING AT 187, PENHALL--
AND I WAS IN THE SEVENTH FRAME,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, KILL MYSELF?
YES!
REALLY?
WE LOST THE MATCH, DOUG,
HEY, HEY, HEY, HOW WOULD YOU TWO VERY LOVELY LADIES
LIKE TO TAKE TWO VERY DEPRESSED BOWLERS OUT TO DINNER?
WE JUST LOST THE STATE FINALS,
IT WAS HIS WHOLE LIFE,
WHAT DO WE GET?
BREAKFAST,
GET LOST,
WHAT?
I HATE YOU,
( bells ringing )
Patty Blatcher: THIS YEAR'S PROM THEME IS VERY IMPORTANT,
IT'S OUR PROM, OUR YEAR,
IT'S NOT SOMETHING WE SHOULD JUST MAKE UP,
Margie: HOW ABOUT, "WHERE THE BOYS AREN'T"?
I'M NEVER GONNA GET A DATE FOR THIS,
WILL YOU RELAX? YOU'VE GOT A WHOLE WEEK TO DIG SOMEBODY UP,
WHO DID YOU ASK, KINNEY?
ARE YOU KIDDING? IF SHE DOESN'T GET HER GRADES UP
SALONUS SAYS SHE CAN'T GO,
I'LL WORRY ABOUT MY GRADES,
Hoffs: YOU KNOW, I MEAN, PROMS,,,
THEY KIND OF SCARE ME, YOU KNOW,
I MEAN, YOU WAIT FOR THEM FOR LIKE A MILLION YEARS
AND THEY USUALLY END UP BEING THE WORST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE,
THAT'S IT, "THE WORST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE,"
I LIKE IT!
YOU WOULD,
( organ music )
( knocking )
COME IN,
SIT DOWN, MISS KINNEY,
MOTHER SUPERIOR,
DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
DO I THINK WHAT'S FUNNY
MOTHER SUPERIOR?
I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
NO, I DON'T,
I THINK YOU DO,
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO INFORM YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS,
IT WAS JUST A JOKE,
ENGLISH LITERATURE IS A JOKE TO YOU?
SISTER PAULINE TRACE GAVE ME YOUR ESSAY ON LORD BYRON,
IT'S A DISGRACE,
I'M AFRAID IF YOUR GRADES
DON'T SHOW SOME SIGNS OF IMMEDIATE IMPROVEMENT
ALL EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES HERE AT SACRED HEART
WILL BE OFF LIMITS TO YOU--
INCLUDING THE PROM,
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?
YES, MOTHER SUPERIOR, YOU DO,
YOUR REPUTATION AS A PRACTICAL JOKER
HAS NOT GONE UNNOTICED, MISS KINNEY,
YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THE FIRES HERE AT SACRED HEART, DO YOU?
NO, I DON'T,
I HOPE NOT,
MISS KINNEY, ONE MORE THING,
I'LL HOLD THIS DISGUSTING ITEM
UNTIL YOUR PARENTS CAN COME IN
AND PICK IT UP FIRST THING IN THE MORNING,
I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU
FOR THE WORST NIGHT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE LAST NIGHT,
AND DON'T HOLD THAT AGAINST MY AVERAGE,
BABE RUTH WAS NO BOWLER, "PLAY ME OR TRADE ME,"
THAT WASN'T MY TURF,
HO!
I'M A MUDDER,
EXCELLENT SHIRT!
"MARTY"?
"SWA-VAY" BOWLERS,
LOCK UP YOUR LADIES,
IT'S A CONTACT SPORT,
BESIDES, I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A "MARTY,"
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE FOOT,
ALMOST HAD TO SHOOT MARTY,
YEAH, HARRY, YOU MISSED IT,
HALF THE LADIES THERE WERE NAMED BURT,
ENDED UP WITH BREAKFAST IN THE I,H,O,P,--
3:00 A,M, IN THE MORNING,
BUT TONIGHT WILL BE DIFFERENT, TRUST ME,
I'M GOING SOLO,
THESE LADIES CAN SMELL AN AMATEUR,
WHERE'S HOFFS?
IN WITH JENKO AND A HEAD JOCKEY FROM DOWNTOWN,
SACRED HEART HAD ANOTHER FIRE YESTERDAY,
REALLY?
YEAH,
HOFFS OKAY?
YEAH, IT WAS IN THE GIRLS' JOHN,
THE JANITOR PUT IT OUT WITH A FIRE EXTINGUISHER,
GOOD, WOULDN'T WANT HER TO MISS THE PROM,
HEY, PENHALL, DID YOU GO TO YOUR PROM?
IS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?
HANSON, I WENT TO MY FIRST PROM WHEN I WAS 11,
YOU DID?
YEAH, I DID,
I NEVER WENT TO MINE,
I GUESS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL
I NEVER BELIEVED IT WAS THE LAST TIME I WAS GONNA BE THERE,
WHAT DO YOU THINK WE DO ALL DAY?
THIS IS DIFFERENT,
YEAH, WE'RE ADULTS,
COULD BE WORSE,
WE COULD BE,,, PYROMANIACS,
SO WOMEN DON'T SET FIRES?
OUR DATA SUPPORTS THAT SINCE THE LAST CENTURY
THERE HASN'T BEEN ENOUGH EVIDENCE
OF FIRE-SETTING AMONG WOMEN TO BE NAMED A PHENOMENON,
YOU KNOW, THIS HASN'T ALWAYS BEEN THE CASE, HOWEVER,
DURING THE 18th AND 19th CENTURIES
ARSONISTS WERE OFTEN SERVANT GIRLS
WHO SET FIRE TO THEIR MASTERS' HOUSES,
IT WAS GENERALLY ASSUMED THAT THEY WERE SUFFERING
FROM THE ANXIETY OF MENSTRUATION
THE FEAR OF PREGNANCY, THE DEPRESSION OF PUBERTY,,,
ET CETERA, ET CETERA,
Hoffs: I'M SORRY, MR, YOUNG, BUT AT $2,000 A SEMESTER
SACRED HEART ACADEMY DOESN'T HAVE A LOT OF SERVANT GIRLS,
JENK, MAN, I AM LOST,
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
ON THE INSIDE OR THE OUTSIDE,
LET'S START ON THE INSIDE,
I MEAN, IF THIS WAS A PROFESSIONAL JOB
SACRED HEART SCHOOL
WOULD ALREADY BE AN INSURANCE CLAIM BY NOW,
I'LL GET THE DEPARTMENT TO PUT A GUY ON THE INSIDE AT NIGHT,
YOU KEEP WORKING DAYS, DARLING,
WE ASSUME THAT WHOEVER'S STARTING THESE FIRES
IS ON THE SCENE
AND POSSIBLY RUNNING A RISK OF GETTING CAUGHT IN THE FIRE,
MAYBE THEY WANT TO GET CAUGHT,
MAYBE,
THERE WAS SOMETHING LIKE AN "HEROIC VICTIM" SYNDROME,
APPARENTLY THESE WOMEN WOULD STAGE A BIZARRE FIRE
USUALLY ON THEIR OWN PROPERTY
WHERE THEY WOULD APPEAR SOMETIMES FANTASTICALLY DRESSED
FOR THE OCCASION AS PART OF THE DRAMA--
THE HEROIC VICTIM DYING IN A FIRE,
HOW ABOUT A PROM?
( disco dance music playing )
HI, IS ANYBODY SITTING HERE?
NO,
I SAID NO ONE WAS SITTING THERE,
THERE IS NOW-- DOUG PENHALL,
YOURS?
YOU KNOW, WE'RE GOING TO REMEMBER THIS,
AND YOU'RE GONNA LAUGH ABOUT THE FIRST TIME
I SAT DOWN NEXT TO YOU AND YOU SAID GET LOST,
I HAVEN'T TOLD YOU TO GET LOST,
I WAS TAKING FIGURATIVE LICENSE WITH THE POETRY OF THE MOMENT,
GET LOST!
GOOD, NOW I WON'T HAVE TO MISQUOTE YOU,
WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING?
I'M NOT,
TERRIFIC, CHEAP DATE!
LOOK, DON'T TORTURE ME,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST CUT TO THE END OF YOUR RAP
AND LET ME SAY NO,
,,,THEN WHEN I WAS 17, I JOINED THE MERCHANT MARINES
'CAUSE I FIGURED MED SCHOOL WASN'T DOING ME ANY GOOD
AND THAT BROUGHT ME INTO BANGKOK,
BANGKOK?
THAT'S WHERE I LANDED THE CASINO IN A BACCARAT GAME,
SO, COMMODITIES, NO KIDDING?
YEAH, WELL, ACTUALLY, IT WAS MY BROTHER WHO HAD THE SEAT
ON THE CHICAGO STOCK EXCHANGE,
I PLAYED AROUND IN FLAXSEED,
THE WORLD'S A SUPERMARKET AND I'M A COMPARISON SHOPPER,
CAN I WALK YOU TO YOUR CAR?
WELL, I CAME BY CAB,
WELL, CAN I GIVE YOU A LIFT?
OH, WELL, NO OFFENSE OR ANYTHING
BUT, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW YOU,,,
AND THERE ARE SO MANY WEIRDOS OUT THERE THESE DAYS,
COME ON, YOU COULD TRUST A GUY WITH A CASINO IN SINGAPORE,
OKAY,
THIS IS MY TRUSTY STEED,
IT'S NICE,
MY MERCEDES IS IN THE SHOP,
I BET,
YOU LIKE MOTORCYCLES?
YEAH, I LOVE MOTORCYCLES,
TOOK ME TWO YEARS
TO PAY FOR THIS,,,
SHUT UP, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?
SHUT UP, THE GUY'S GOT A LIFE STORY FULL OF CRUD,
YOU'RE FULL OF CRUD! YOU KNOW THAT?
I'M A POLICE OFFICER,
SURE YOU ARE,
THANKS,
RIGHT THERE, MISSY!
Hanson: HAVE YOU FOUND YOUR BRIDE YET, PENHALL?
THAT'S THE GIRL!
WHERE?
RIGHT HERE,
NOW THERE, THEN,,,
NICE TEETH,
YOU SHOULD RUN THAT THROUGH THE DEPARTMENT,
HANG A RED LIGHT ON IT FOR VICE,
SHE COULD BE A PRO,
YOU TOLD HER YOU WERE A COP?
AMONG OTHER THINGS, YEAH,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER THAT YOU WERE A BOWLER,
Jenko: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS,
MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T TRAVEL ALONE EVEN WHEN YOU'RE OFF DUTY,
GIRLS LIKE THIS CAN SNIFF OUT AN AMATEUR,
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE MY DATE FOR THE PROM,
I HATE TO DISAPPOINT YOU, GANG
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THE SOCK HOP AT SACRED HEART IS OFF,
WHAT?
KARAMAN, THE GUY WE HAD ON THE INSIDE
CAUGHT A YOUNG LADY LAST NIGHT JUST WHEN IT SEEMED
SHE WAS ABOUT TO SET FIRE TO THE PRINCIPAL'S DESK,
IT'S IN THERE,
JANE KINNEY?
NO WAY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT,
WHY?
I JUST DIDN'T THINK SHE WAS OUR GIRL,
SHE'S KIND OF NICE, ACTUALLY,
MAYBE WE CAN FIX HER UP WITH PENHALL, WHAT DO YOU THINK, DOUGIE?
IT'S JUST A SLUMP,
RELAX,
WHERE ARE THEY HOLDING HER, JENK?
COUNTY,
THE D,A, HASN'T DECIDED
IF HE'S GONNA CHARGE HER AS A JUVIE OR AS AN ADULT,
THEN I WANT TO SEE HER,
IF YOU SEE HER YOU KNOW IT'S GONNA
BLOW YOUR COVER AT SACRED HEART,
BIG DEAL,
THEY ALREADY BUSTED HER,
Hoffs: I KIND OF WANTED TO GO TO THIS PROM,
WOULD'VE MADE UP FOR MY FIRST ONE,
CHARLES TYRONE CANNON,
SAY WHAT?
THE DUDE THAT PINNED
THE ROSE ON MY DRESS,
IT WAS A SHARP PARIS ORIGINAL,
I WORKED FOR TWO SUMMERS
AND SAVED UP AT A BURGER SHACK FOR THAT DRESS,
TOO BAD I NEVER EVEN GOT TO SHOW IT OFF,
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT,
OLD CHARLIE TYRONE COULDN'T WAIT
TO GET YOU OUT OF IT, COULD HE?
VERY FUNNY, JENK,
NO!
HE BORROWED HIS DADDY'S CAR, PICKED ME UP,,,
IT RAN OUT OF GAS,
THEN HE GOT DRUNK
THREW UP ALL OVER THE BACKSEAT
AND THEN GOT LOST,
HIS PARENTS AND I FOUND HIM
IN THE BOILER ROOM IN THE SCHOOL BASEMENT AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING,
HE SAID HE THOUGHT IT WAS THE BOYS' JOHN,
BUT THAT'S OKAY
BECAUSE HE WAS WEARING THIS REALLY,
REALLY EMBARRASSING PLAID JACKET
WITH TWO-TONE PANTS AND A LAVENDER CUMMERBUND,
I REMEMBER THOSE,
WHAT ABOUT YOURS?
FOR FIVE LONG YEARS I DREAMED OF GOING WITH LINDA BROWN,
SOMEHOW I ENDED UP WITH NADINE CROUCH
WHO HAD TO BE HOME BY 10:00,
SO I SPENT THE REST OF THE NIGHT
WATCHING CONTINUOUS SCREENINGS OF REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE
AND NAKED ALIBI, WITH GLORIA GRAHAME AND STERLING HAYDEN,
I WAS IN HEAVEN,,,
IN MY PINK-AND-BLACK TUXEDO,
OF COURSE THAT'S NOT WHAT I TOLD MY BUDDIES,
OF COURSE NOT,
WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I'M A COP, JANE,
WHAT?
A COP?
THAT'S RIGHT,
WELL, IF I CAN GET BUSTED FOR SETTING FIRES
I GUESS YOU CAN BE A COP,
SO ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT YOU TRANSFERRING FROM SWEETHOME
WAS JUST A RAP?
I WAS PUT UNDERCOVER AT SACRED HEART BECAUSE OF THE ARSON,
YOU KNOW, I'M REAL SURPRISED IT WAS YOU,
I MEAN, I KNEW YOU WERE A LITTLE CRAZY
BUT ARSON?
YOU THINK YOU'RE SURPRISED?
FORGET IT,
MY PARENTS WON'T EVEN PAY MY BAIL,
"JANIE HAS TO LEARN HER LESSON THIS TIME,"
NOT TOO CRAZY ABOUT ME,
I'VE GOT A SENSE OF HUMOR,
THERE'S NOTHING-- NOTHING FUNNY
ABOUT TRYING TO BURN UP A SCHOOL FULL OF HIGH SCHOOL KIDS,
DEPENDS!
I DIDN'T DO IT,
IS THAT SO?
YES, THAT'S SO,
THEN JUST WHAT WERE YOU DOING BREAKING INTO THE SCHOOL
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
I READ A REPORT THAT SAID YOU WERE CAUGHT WITH AN OPEN LIGHTER,
OKAY, I'M A LOUSY THIEF,
I DIDN'T BRING MY FLASHLIGHT,
WHAT I WAS DOING IS I WAS TRYING TO GET BACK
THAT PORNO TAPE WE SAW IN HEALTH CLASS YESTERDAY,
THAT WAS YOU?
YEAH,
ME AND MARGIE, THE FINK,
SALONUS WAS GOING TO BUST ME FOR IT
AND HAVE MY PARENTS COME IN TO PICK IT UP THIS MORNING,
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
MY FATHER STILL TAKES ME TO SEE BAMBI,
I HAD TO DO IT,
IT SEEMED LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO DO AT THE TIME,
EITHER WAY, I GUESS I'M NOT GOING TO THE PROM,
GUESS YOU'RE NOT,
I DIDN'T DO IT,
SURE LOOKS LIKE YOU DID, JANE,
YEAH, WELL, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL
IF YOUR FATHER FOUND OUT YOU HAD A MOVIE LIKE THAT?
I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD A MOVIE LIKE THAT,
WHAT ARE YOU, PERFECT?
OF COURSE, YOU'RE A COP,
SAVE IT!
I'M A PERSON FIRST,
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
YOU KEEP IT BETWEEN US THAT I'M A COP
AND I'LL STAY UNDERCOVER AT SACRED
TO SEE IF I CAN FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS ARSON THING, OKAY?
WHY?
'CAUSE I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO MISS YOUR PROM,
THAT'S NOT RIGHT!
I DIDN'T OKAY THAT,
THAT IS NOT OUR THEME!
WE TOOK A VOTE, AND YOU WEREN'T HERE,
I AM THE HEAD OF THIS PROM COMMITTEE, TRACY, NOT YOU,
SINCE WHEN ISN'T THIS A DEMOCRACY?
OH, COME ON, IT'S A DOWNER,
"THE WORST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE"?
IT'S NOT A THEME,
IT'S ONE OF KINNEY'S JOKES
AND SHE'S IN JAIL FOR TRYING TO BURN THIS PLACE DOWN,
THAT'S WHY WE FIGURED IT FIT,
YOU GOT A BETTER ONE?
YES, I DO,
CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR THIS,
WHAT?
FORGET IT,
NO, WHAT?
I GOT TO HEAR IT,
WHY? SO YOU CAN RIDICULE ME?
YOU ONLY GET TO DO STUFF LIKE THIS ONCE IN YOUR LIFE,
AND SO, OKAY, I WANT TO ENJOY IT,
YOU CAN SPIT ON TRADITION, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO,
IT'S A FREAKIN' DANCE, PATTY,
YOU KNOW, I HAD A NAME FOR OUR THEME,
REALLY, MARGIE, WHAT?
I GUESS IT WAS JUST STUPID,
MAYBE NOT, WHAT?
"YOUNG LOVE NEVER DIES,"
BUT JUST FORGET IT,
THAT'S NOT SO BAD, MARGIE, REALLY,
ARE YOU KIDDING?
SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF THOSE ROMANTIC NOVELS
YOU KEEP BUYING IN THE SUPERMARKET,
"YES, TODD, I LOVE YOU,
"BUT WHO WILL RUN MY TOBACCO PLANTATION
"IF I ELOPE TO SINGAPORE WITH YOU?
"YOU, JUST A LOWLY KARATE INSTRUCTOR
AND ME, HEIRESS TO ALL OF MANHATTAN,,,"
YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE ME SICK,
GOT A DATE YET, MARGE?
THAT WAS REAL NICE, TRACY,
BIG DEAL, SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE A DATE,
GOD, THIS THING'S GONNA BE A DISASTER ANYWAY
WITH JANE IN JAIL AND EVERYTHING,
WHY DO YOU KEEP BRINGING JANE INTO THIS?
SHE'S NOT EVEN GOING TO BE HERE,
I'M SICK OF IT,
I'M GLAD SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE HERE,
SHE'D JUST RUIN IT,
LISTEN TO HER,
DOES LADY ANNE HAVE A DATE YET?
HEY, COME ON,
I DON'T, YOU KNOW,
I DON'T HAVE ONE,
MY WHOLE LIFE, I'VE ONLY HAD TWO
AND ONE OF THEM WAS WITH MY COUSIN,
I'M NOT GOING,
I'M GOING-- I DON'T HAVE A DATE,
YOU DON'T NEED A DATE,
YOU'RE GORGEOUS,
I'M FAT,
OKAY, FELLAS,
NOW BE CAREFUL WITH THIS LADY,
SHE AIN'T GONNA FALL FOR YOUR BASIC CORNBALL ROUTINES,
SHE MAY BE A FELON,
BUT SHE IS A CLASSY FELON,
AND IN REALITY SHE'S A LOT PRETTIER, BELIEVE ME,
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
DON'T PUSH ME ON THIS, ACE,
I WAS IN A SLUMP,
MY DEFENSES WERE DOWN,
IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ANYONE,
HERE,
IT WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED TO ME,
THAT'S RIGHT, I FORGOT,
SHE PROBABLY STOPPED WORKING THE BOWLING ALLEY,
TOO MANY POLYESTER WALLETS,
HERE,
I'M MAKING CATCHING THIS LADY MY LIFE'S WORK,
HAVE YOU SET A WEDDING DATE?
I CAN'T EVEN GET A DATE,
SIT TIGHT, YOU MIGHT,
( whistling )
( bell ringing )
( knocking )
COME IN,
THANK YOU,
MOTHER, UH,,,
SISTER SALONUS?
SIT DOWN, CAPTAIN JENKO,
THANK YOU,
I READ OFFICER HOFFS' REPORT
AND I MUST SAY I WAS SURPRISED,
IT WAS VERY WELL WRITTEN,
WELL, OFFICER HOFFS HAS VERY GOOD STUDY HABITS,
I'M AFRAID I CAN'T GO ALONG
WITH THE POLICE DEPARTMENT'S RECOMMENDATION
OF CANCELING THIS YEAR'S PROM,
MY GIRLS DO SO LOOK FORWARD TO IT,
BEING ONE OF THE FEW LUXURIES
WE GIVE THEM HERE AT THE SACRED HEART ACADEMY,
THERE'S A STRONG POSSIBILITY, SISTER
THAT YOUR PROM COULD TURN INTO A BONFIRE,
I BELIEVE THAT'S YOUR PART IN THIS, CAPTAIN--
TO MAKE SURE THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN-- AM I CORRECT?
YES, MA'AM, I JUST FEEL THE RISK WE'RE TAKING
OUTWEIGHS THE OTHER CONSIDERATIONS,
CAPTAIN,,,
THE SACRED HEART ACADEMY
IS A PRIVATE INSTITUTION,
LIKE ALL PRIVATE INSTITUTIONS
WE MUST REMAIN COMPETITIVE,
I DON'T THINK SHUTTING DOWN OUR ANNUAL PROM
BECAUSE OF A THREAT OF ARSON
WOULD MAKE AN APPEALING ITEM IN OUR BROCHURE, DO YOU?
NO, MA'AM,
BUT A PICTURE OF A BURNING BUILDING IN THE NEWSPAPER
WOULDN'T BE TOO COOL EITHER--
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,
YOU SEE, SISTER, IN MY OPINION
WE'RE NOT EXACTLY DEALING WITH MISS MENTAL HEALTH HERE,
I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR OPINIONS
JUST YOUR ASSISTANCE,
I'M COUNTING ON YOU AND YOUR SQUAD OF,,,
WHATEVER YOU CALL THEM,,,
THAT DEPENDS,
,,,TO KEEP THIS YEAR'S PROM SAFE,
THANK YOU, MR, JENKO,
YOU'RE WELCOME,
OKAY,
SO,,, THAT'S IT?
I EXPECT YOUR MEN TO BE DRESSED IN THE SPIRIT OF THE OCCASION,
YES, MA'AM, NO PROBLEM,
I'M SURE WE CAN GET A GOOD DEAL
ON A COUPLE OF USED ASBESTOS TUXEDOS,
GOOD DAY, SISTER SALONUS,
EXCUSE ME,
SEE YOU,
♪ IN A WORLD WHERE HEARTS ARE EMPTY ♪
♪ TELLING YOU ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU CAN'T BE ♪
♪ NOTHING SHOULD TAKE AWAY THE STRENGTH INSIDE YOU ♪
♪ YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID I'D MAKE IT ♪
♪ BY MY SIDE, YOU HELP ME SHAKE IT ♪
♪ YOU WERE RIGHT THERE WHEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD BELIEVE IN ME ♪
♪ NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE THAT ♪
♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE WHAT IS REAL ♪
♪ BUT NOT WITHOUT YOU ♪
♪ NOT WITHOUT YOU ♪
♪ TOUCHING THINGS THAT NOW I CAN FEEL ♪
♪ BUT NOT WITHOUT YOU ♪
♪ NOT WITHOUT YOU ♪
♪ WEATHER THE STORM THANKS TO YOU, MY FRIEND ♪
♪ IF I SHOULD FALL, I'D DO IT ALL AGAIN ♪
♪ NOT WITHOUT YOU ♪
♪ LOOKING BACK TO THE DAY YOU FOUND ME ♪
♪ A LITTLE FAITH WAS ALL THAT YOU SAID I NEED ♪
♪ YOU SHOWED ME WAYS I WOULD HAVE NEVER TRIED ♪
♪ BREAKING DOWN THE WALLS OF PROTECTION ♪
♪ TURNED ME ON TO A NEW DIRECTION ♪
♪ NOW I'M SEEING MYSELF LIKE NEVER BEFORE ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ FINALLY I CAN SEE WHAT IS REAL ♪
( ringing )
♪ NOT WITHOUT YOU, NOT WITHOUT YOU ♪
♪ TOUCHING THINGS THAT NOW I CAN FEEL ♪
♪ NOT WITHOUT YOU ♪
HELLO,
REALLY?
I DON'T THINK SO,
COME ON, MARGIE,
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?
I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO LAUGH AT ME,
NO ONE IS GOING TO LAUGH,
COME ON, IT'S YOUR PROM,
YOU ONLY GET ONE,
I KNOW,
IS HE CUTE?
YEAH, IN A WAY,
YEAH, YEAH, I GUESS,
WHAT'S HE LIKE?
HI, DOLL,
BUY YOU A DRINK?
NO, THANK YOU,
STRICTLY BUSINESS HERE,
RELAX, I'M A POLICE OFFICER,
I'M AN ASTRONAUT,
IS THIS REAL?
IS THE POPE CATHOLIC?
A COP?
REALLY?
YEAH, SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT,
SERVE AND PROTECT,
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL AROUND?
ARE YOU REALLY A COP?
YEAH,
LOOK, HAVE YOU SEEN HER?
SHE MIGHT BE WITH THIS GUY,,,
ABOUT SIX FOOT,
DARK COMPLEXION,
CURLY HAIR,
I'VE NEVER MET A COP BEFORE,
CONGRATULATIONS,
LOOK, I'M ON DUTY HERE,
WHEN DO YOU GET OFF DUTY?
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
IF I'M FREE TONIGHT?
I GOT TO GO TO A PROM TONIGHT,
A PROM?
FOR COPS?
WELL, IT'S A TOUGH SCHOOL,
LOOK,,,
YOU WANT MY PHONE NUMBER?
WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN THESE PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS?
WITH ME,
GOOD PLACE,
I'LL JUST TAKE THIS,
WELL, THEM RENTED SHOES HURT TOO MUCH,
I CAN'T DANCE IN THEM,
WELL, WELL, WELL,
FAR OUT,
LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A JAPANESE ELVIS PRESLEY,
A PIMP,
AND THE BUTLER,
THE BUDGET WE GOT, YOU'RE LUCKY WE COULD AFFORD
TO RENT THE PANTS,
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO WITHOUT THE PANTS,
TELL THEM YOU'RE A POOR BUTLER,
JUDITH ESTER!
IF YOU DON'T GET THAT DRESS ON SOON, GIRL
I'LL COME UP THERE AND STAPLE IT ON,
I GOT THE FIRE DEPARTMENT ON STANDBY,
BUT THE KEY WORD HERE, AMIGOS, IS PREVENTION,
SO IF AND WHEN YOU SPOT MISS WACKO OR WHOEVER
JUST WALTZ THEM RIGHT OUT OF THE PLACE,
DIG?
THAT OUGHT TO BE EASY,
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO WE'RE LOOKING FOR,
LEAVE IT UP TO YOUR BUDDY, ICEBERG SLIM,
I UNDERSTAND HE'S GOT GREAT INSTINCTS
WHEN IT COMES TO THE LADIES,
RIGHT, MR, PENHALL?
HOFFS WILL BE YOUR DATE, HARRY,
LUCKY MISS KINNEY
GETS THE BUTLER,
CASANOVA, YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE WITH,
THE ONE WITH THE GREAT PERSONALITY,
TRADE YOU FOR HOFFS,
I DON'T KNOW IF I'D TRUST YOU WITH MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER,
( whistling and catcalls )
HOW DO I LOOK?
WOW,
DARLING, YOU LOOK SENSATIONAL,
SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME, PEACHES,
WHATEVER YOU DO,,,
DON'T LET ELVIS DRIVE,
♪ I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN ♪
♪ TAKE YOUR FEARS AWAY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I AM GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE ♪
♪ I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN, GIVE YOU BACK A DREAM ♪
♪ MAKE YOU WANNA TOUCH THE SKY ♪
♪ OOH, YOU'RE GONNA WANT ME ♪
♪ I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN ♪
♪ WHAT DID I DO TO MAKE YOU FEEL THIS WAY? ♪
♪ EVERYTHING IS GOING ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ WE HAVE IT ALL ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T THROW THIS AWAY ♪
♪ IF YOU WALK OUT THE DOOR ♪
♪ NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE ♪
♪ EVEN THOUGH,,, ♪
I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD DO THAT,
COME ON, MAN, WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?
WHAT ARE YOU, A COP OR SOMETHING?
EASE UP ON ME, KID,
IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG NIGHT,
GREAT PROM,
THANK YOU,
I WORKED VERY HARD ON IT,
THANK YOU FOR THE CORSAGE,
WELL, YOU KNOW,,,
IT'S A PROM,
YEAH,
HAVING A GOOD TIME?
YOU?
YEAH, OH, YEAH,
YOU LOOK GREAT,
OH, UM,,,
SO DO YOU,
YEAH, YOU THINK SO?
THANKS,
WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?
OH, NO,
I JUST,,,
I KIND OF LIKE STANDING HERE,
ME, TOO,
THEY'RE HAVING A LOT OF FUN OUT THERE, AREN'T THEY?
YEAH,
( slow dance music playing )
SEE ANYTHING INTERESTING?
YEAH, YOU,
WHY, THANK YOU, SIR,
DO YOU EVER GO BOWLING?
WHAT?
BOWLING?
YOU EVER GO BOWLING?
OH, BOWLING, YEAH, I WENT LAST WEEK,
I THINK I BOWLED A 243, BUT IT WAS MY FIRST TIME
SO I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S GOOD OR NOT,
REALLY?
YEAH,
SERIOUSLY?
Penhall: WHO THE HELL IS THAT?
Hoffs: THAT IS YOUR DATE,
MY DATE?
OF COURSE,
AND YOU GUYS DIDN'T THINK I STILL HAD IT, HUH?
HI,
GOOD EVENING,
DOUG PENHALL,
MARGARET SAUNTERS,
THE PLEASURE IS ALL MINE,
YEAH, OKAY, HOW ABOUT WE GO DANCE?
DON'T TOUCH ME,
I'M ONLY TRYING TO,,,
Penhall: GET BACK, GET BACK,
GET AWAY FROM HER, GET AWAY FROM HER,
( sirens wailing )
PENHALL?
YOU OKAY?
IOKI AND HANSON ARE STILL IN THERE,
THEY'RE INSIDE ON THE RIGHT,
ANOTHER SLAMMERINO,
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE
BUT THIS PROM WAS EVEN WORSE THAN THE ONE
WITH CHARLES TYRONE CANNON THROWING UP
IN THE BACK SEAT OF HIS FATHER'S CADILLAC,
YEAH,
MAKES ME NOT MISS MISSING MY PROM SO MUCH,
I DON'T KNOW, I LIKED IT,
WHO COULD EVER FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
I GOT STOOD UP BY A LADY DRACULA
AND YOUR DATE'S OUT THERE BOWLING AWAY
LIKE SOME KIND OF CERTIFIED KINGPIN,
I FEEL SORRY FOR PEOPLE LIKE THAT,
ME, TOO,
IF MY KID EVER WANTS TO GROW UP TO BE A BOWLER,,,
STRAIGHT TO REFORM SCHOOL,
NO, PENHALL, I MEAN MARGIE,
IT WAS HER PROM, TOO,
YEAH, I GUESS IT WAS,
OKAY,
CAN I GET ANYBODY ANYTHING TO DRINK?
BEER,
ANOTHER SLAMMERINO,
YOUR DATE,
HI,
WHERE DID IOKI GO FOR THE BEERS?
TOKYO?
FREEZE,